I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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