The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?