Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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