Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
