that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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