Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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