i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
