If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
