Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
