I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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