omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
