He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
