seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
