Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
