There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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