If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
