hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
