I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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