This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
please come you make the beer taste better
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
