Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
