I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
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I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
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He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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