i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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