If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need a beard to bite.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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