I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
