I hate all girls vehemently.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
