My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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