I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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