you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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