So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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