My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
