i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
ok first of all what the fuck
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
