her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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