there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
