It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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