You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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