Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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