Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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