We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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