im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
