if i can run in heels then i can drive
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
