You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
