By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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