I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
