Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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