she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
