when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
