I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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