Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
jump out the window naked night went bad
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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