I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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