ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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