Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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