Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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