turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
