I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
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