just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
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My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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