yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
