i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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