All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
